As a parent, leader or a spouse, there are often issues that we prefer not to confront or bring up; imagine discussing birth-control with a teenage child or, telling a team member about their personal hygiene and how that affects the rest of your team, or telling your partner/spouse about a nagging habit and that irks you daily. In most cases, we just avoid discussing these things until things get critical and boil over. Sometimes, it could even get to the point of no return.
Difficult and uncomfortable conversations, avoided today, only causes more aggravation down the road. I’ve seen friendships falling apart and work-teams breaking up due to the lack of intervention, early in the process.
At one of my previous roles, a respected male leader rarely asked the female engineers about projects while demonstrating high value to less-experienced male team members. This was obvious to everyone, but no one wanted to bring this up to the leader since they were worried that he’d be offended.
Once I heard about it, I sat down with the leader and clearly articulated how his selective attention was destroying team morale and ultimately, organizational productivity. The leader was embarrassed and expressed that he never realized this behavior and promised to work differently.
However, one conversation usually doesn’t change a person’s years old regimen. With his input, we created a simple 3 questionnaire survey for his team and compiled data every quarter and provided the leader feedback over a year to continue to provide data to help him understand and rectify the team’s work condition. Supporting behavior change, requires follow-up and a simple feedback based support system. We have to make it easy for changes to take hold.
Timing is everything. It’s best to confront an issue sooner and let the other party know how you feel about whatever they’re doing that’s bothering you or the team you belong to. I’ve designed a simple 2X2 matrix to help identify when a difficult conversation is critical and necessary. If you believe, the situation is in any of the dark blue below, you must confront the situation sooner than later.
One way to decide when to confront an issue is to think through the severity and future likelihood of happening again. Here’s another way to think about it: if you’re thinking about the topic and it’s giving making you anxious, most likely, it’s making others nervous/anxious too; stop second guessing yourself and have the conversation.
If it’s a mistake one makes once and self-corrects, it maybe best to let it go – or actually re-affirm the person verbally by thanking them for self-correcting. Your affirmation could lead this partner/friend/child/co-worker think through other similar activities.
As an example, you see that your child may be picking up a habit that may not serve them well in the long run. It could be as simple as, during a verbal conversation, they are not letting others finish their sentence, or being too critical of others – lack of empathy towards other decisions/choices. As a parent, we have the responsibility to help our young adults correct their behaviors. If we ignore these habits, they will grow into adults with these “irritating” traits that will affect them in both their personal and professional environments. We all have worked with those folks in meetings who are impatient and won’t let others opinions flourish!
I remember conversations with both my children about empathy towards people with different speed or processing capability. When you grow up in a high-octane, argumentative household like mine, it’s easy to call out speed or small mistakes constantly. I’ve learned over time that’s not the case for everyone and often, both in social and professional settings, patience and empathy towards others go a long way to build trust and take the unnecessary “edge” off in conversations.
In personal relationships, with friends, neighbors, parents, and spouses, one important area is boundary setting. Irrespective how close or formal you’re with your neighbor or parents, it’s ok to let them know your boundaries on political discussions or swearing/cursing, for example. If something bothers you, it’s very likely the same behavior is bothering others in your sphere. By having the uncomfortable conversation, that their relentless swearing/cursing is triggering for you, you have helped them understand your boundary. You may need to remind them a couple of times, but eventually, if this is a relationship that is meant to flourish, they will respect your boundary. And if they don’t, you have to decide if this is relationship is worth preserving.
I’ve learned that the more I clarify, for my family or team, my expectations, boundaries or grievances, the better my relationships have become. Even more important, the more I’ve given feedback, it’s become easier the next time. The first few times is always difficult. Practice it a few times, and your confidence level will rise and you will become a master in feedback!
Summary:
- Difficult Conversations are almost always uncomfortable; however, they’re important for relationships to flourish
- Timing is critical; don’t wait too long before it’s late
- Ignore small issues, Focus on Critical “repetitive” behaviors
- Provide ongoing feedback is critical to re-inforce behavior
- Boundary setting is critical to building respect, trust and transparency.
At The Doorstep of Heaven 