Chapter 3: Ready for my Best Life

This week, I turn 55. 

When I was in my teens, thirty seemed sooo old; then I was 30 and 50s seemed so far away (and old), now that I am 55, I feel like there is so little time left and still so much to do! One never knows when and how things end, but as we age, we can clearly see the signs of waning physical abilities. Hence the urgency to do the things you’ve always wanted or liked to do before it’s too late. 

My Chapter 1 was about growing up and learning my way around the world – becoming independent from my parents and charting a course of life. Education – was the focus of this particular stage in my life. This chapter ended when I was 25, had my first job as a manufacturing engineer in a small, family-owned company, in Toledo, OH, and was preparing to buy a home of my own. Still seeking stability, building resilience.

Chapter 1: Growing Up: Teenage At Mizzou with first car in 1986

Chapter 2 of my life  was about building a career and a family – the following 20 years of my life was all about building. Married a girl I fell in love with, had our first child, built our first home together and then started the corporate climb –  Lived in 7 homes in 4 states, progressively growing in my career, becoming  a CEO by the time I was 40, followed by more expensive homes, boats, vacations and more children. Life was on a roll. 

Chapter 2: Building a Career, Growing a Family

Interruption: mental illness creeps up in my life and breaks my beautiful family apart; the following 10 years of my life focused on re-learning everything  – defining what it means to be truly and authentically happy; coming out as a gay man while learning to be a single-dad. In 2016, I have written about this in We Will Carry On. Finally, I have given myself permission to agree that’s the most important role I will ever play.

The purpose of my life is to raise two beautiful souls and teach them how to be happy. 

Learning how to be a Single Dad

During this journey, I learned that only I can to describe and decide what makes me happy; and the best way to teach children is to establish the example, that happiness is not a myth – it can be defined, outlined and ultimately achieved – if you’re willing to put in the hard work. While having money helps, It’s definitely not about money. Happiness doesn’t have to appear accidentally and momentarily. And you definitely cannot wait for someone to serve it to you, on a silver platter. 

My happiness cannot be my children’s happiness – they have grown up in a different world and have different challenges ahead of them. I continuously teach them to be resilient and determined; to believe in themselves and their ability to move their own needle, not to wait on others. 

Finding Joy: Ziplining in Costa Rica 2014 !

It took me 10 years (of committed work and therapy) to define what I love, both professionally and personally; all my life, I lived by the standards of my parents or what I believed was required to be happy: work a steady job, build a career, have a family and savings, philanthropy, join clubs and organizations, have good friends surround you. My parents exemplified this world for me, with their lives. And I was convinced and confident that whatever worked for them, will somehow magically work for me. 

While all of the above is fundamentally right, after 10 years of personal work, I have learned that there is much more nuance to that. It’s not about just building a career – it’s about finding joy – being happy, doing whatever makes my heart sing. Example: my parents were not outdoorsy people – having intellectual conversations over cups of hot-milky tea and debating endlessly was more up their alley. On the other hand, I have discovered, after a lot of soul searching, I find true joy in outdoor activities!

Hawaii with Shania 2019

A few years ago, I was once sitting in a board meeting, surrounded by serious, smart people – listening to some corporate attorney but at the back of my mind, I was irritated. I knew I had things to do at home, my mom was in her last days and I needed to be next to her; Shania had a music recital that night and I needed to get eggs for breakfast tomorrow. That’s the day I learned that this corporate role of being a CEO or a Division President wasn’t right for me any more. My happiness lay with taking care of my family and I needed to figure out what I would do for work, while I made my family my most important priority. 

Similarly, I was in a tortured personal relationship over a 4 year period – where toxicity had seeped in and I didn’t know how to break free. I worked hard in therapy, learning about my early childhood habits, and why I liked taking care of “wounded birds” – hence all  my prior romantic relationships were with people who were injured and hurt and needed extreme care. While caring for them, I had lost myself and thought that was the way life is meant to be. These wounded people didn’t have the capacity to love me back. 

In personal life I was a “wounded caregiver” and in the corporate world I took the role of a “turnaround guy” – always fixing problems that I didn’t start or was responsible for.

Finally, today, as I step into a different chapter, I believe, I have conquered these myths and resolved these false choices. Today, I confidently know: 

• I am  the most important person in my  life; no one will love or take care of me the way I deserve or want to be taken care of, if I can’t do it first – for myself
• One can raise a family, take care of others and take care of oneself – it’s not one or the other – no reason to think that one task is more important than another; it’s a constant balancing act. 
• If you write it out, what you want, your energy, and the universe, will conspire to bring you that outcome – you need to be specific in your definition

Armed with my new knowledge and confidence, I changed my work and personal life habits, separated myself from friends and family who brought torment or toxicity to my life.

Four years ago, On January 10, 2018, my therapist asked me what I would like in an ideal future partner. On a piece of paper I wrote down 9 characteristics that I truly liked about my friends, that I would like to see in my future partner: 

1. Kind
2. Giving
3. Generous and Makes Effort
4. Thoughtful and takes care (of me)
5. Fun
6. Loyal and Protective
7. Loves Travel and Concerts
8. Attractive and Charming
9. Independent and Responsible 

A friend advised, if I want a true partner to come into my life, I have to physically make room for them. I emptied out half my closet, cleaned out one side of the garage. Exactly 2 years later, almost to the tee, on January 12, 2020, I met Roberto, my husband, at a restaurant for Sunday brunch which turned into a 5 hour date and at the end, he hugged me tight and lifted me up – No one had ever done that to me! He checked off every box.

Roberto and I met in 2020; First RoadTrip to Savannah, GA

We moved in together during a worldwide pandemic and chronic shutdowns and figured out each other! Our Love Started In the Time of a Pandemic.

On January 9, 2022, we invited our close friends and family to witness our wedding. I always dreamt of my girls to walk me down the aisle one day – and that dream did come true.

I dreamt of my daughters walking me to start the next chapter in my life

We were surrounded by so much love and such great energy, this will clearly be one of the best days of my life. 

As I step into 55, I look forward to a life traveling, and enjoying with Roberto while I watch my girls becoming self reliant, both professionally and emotionally. One day, when it’s time to go, I want to make sure they have love surrounding them, as I have experienced, in different stages of my life.

I am ready for my chapter 3. I have prepared for it and worked hard to get here. I will continue to work hard to remain healthy, be able to take care of my loved ones – while enjoying food, wine, music, travel and the outdoors. Ready for my best Life!

Jan 9 2022: Our Wedding